5 months later...

every time I sit down here to type I have a heavy heart. Half the time I'm looking for some sort of encouragement, some sort of ray of light to shed upon my closed off hurting heart to let me know I WILL make it and things will get better. The past two weeks have been nothing but that...searching. Searching for life, searching for hope, and searching for acceptance. Its been months since I ended the unhealthy relationship I was in. Why the hurt now? Things were bad intentionally after it but it got better, why now? Why now when I was doing so good? It brings up the same feelings. I feel lost and at his will again. Like my happiness rest in his hands, I'm not happy with him and I thought I was happy without him. How can one person make another so miserable? How can one person care about someone so much and that person not reciprocate it? Why does it have to be the wrong person Lord?!? That is all that consumes me. Why doesn't he love me and make me feel like I should? Why doesn't he care? Why do I still care? And more importantly why cant I move on? Ive tired to do all of the above. Ive tired to make him love me. Ive tired to be happy with him. Ive tired to make him care. And Ive tired to move on! Am I suppose to be with him and just not be fully happy? Am I suppose to settle for just the little he gave me? Why do I have to go on with this pain? This rejection I feel from him. What am I doing wrong? Lord why wont you help me...

Windows and Frustration

I was about to write a blog post filled with noting but negativity towards myself due to recent situations and the frustration I am feeling. Thank God I read a friends blog before I decided to post in my own. And here are the words I read. Be encouraged and remember, your more beautiful than you know, more talented than you think, and more loved than you can imagine.

You are like a window? Have you ever thought of yourself as a window?

There is a particular hospital in the rural area of Ireland. This hospital holds a large room with a wall of windows; these windows stretched from floor to ceiling.

One of the ladies staying in this room (with the windows) was gazing out admiring the view…this glorious country rural view; she was watching the sunset.

The sunset was so beautiful and she was resting in God while watching His order in nature; His beautiful creation.

She started thinking about heaven and their view; their angle of this sunset.

At this time, someone walks into the room and says, “These windows are shockingly filthy!”

The lady watching God’s sunset through these windows, never even noticed the dirt and streaks on the windows. She was so caught up in the gorgeousness of God’s creation and what was taking place in His works…she never saw the dirt on the windows.

She explains how this is how the Lord sees you. You may look at yourself and see your imperfections and weaknesses…your streaks so to speak…but the Lord is too caught up in your beauty to notice them.

Let me tell you…

We’re all human, we all have streaks, and the key is TO NOT get caught up and focus on them; the view of you is so much bigger and beautiful to look at (then a few streaks here and there).

The Lord can over look these streaks because He can see you and your willingness to become better. The Lord is so close with you, working with you to come up higher. The more you seek Him and come up higher…those streaks will get cleaned and washed away (little by little).

I see when you come to my blog. Your faithfulness to my blog tells me that you want to seek things that make you better and the Lord sees this desire to come up higher too…

…so don’t be so harsh on yourself. Love yourself, accept yourself, and keep seeking goodness. When life gives you a view…don’t notice the streaks…just look outside the window.

EPIC FAIL

Everytime I fuck up I feel like Im looked upon like a super failure and my fate is at stake in my parents hands. Its the best feeling ever, you should try it...

Negativie Over Positive

I had some negative words spoke to me yesterday. Im going to follow it with this...

Have you ever heard that old children's saying, "I'm rubber and you're glue, whatever you say bounces off of me and sticks to you?" Well, there are times that we need to be like rubber and let hurtful words and offense bounce right off of us; and there are times when we need to be like glue and embrace words of healing, truth and life.

Scripture says that the power of life and death are in the tongue. (Proverbs 18:21) This tells me that we need to be mindful that our words also act like rubber or glue in our relationships. That means we can say things that repel people from us, or we can say things that draw them to us and connect our hearts.

Over the years, I've found that encouraging words are the glue that holds our relationships together. Looking back over the last twenty-four years in my marriage, I can see how positive words and regular affirmations have bonded mine and Joel's hearts together allowing us to draw out the best in each other. We've learned the importance of encouraging one another daily, not just through our words, but also through simple acts of kindness and looking for ways to make life easier for one another.

You can do the same in your relationships and improve the atmosphere of your household, your workplace, your community and your world. Sure, it takes effort to be a great encourager. After all, there are so many forces that come against relationships on a daily basis. But when you encourage others, when you bring out the best in them and help them succeed, that success will come back to you and cause you to rise higher as well. When you fill up others emotionally, God will make sure that you are filled up in return.

Most importantly, realize today that just as words of affirmation draw us closer to the people around us, our words of affirmation, our praise and thanksgiving draws us closer to our heavenly Father, too. This year, make praising Him your priority. All throughout the day, just tell Him how much you love Him. Thank Him for what He's done in your life. Sing a song of praise because He is worthy. Let those words of love and adoration draw you to Him, and always use encouraging words as the glue to hold your relationships together!

"Draw near to God and He will draw near to you…" James 4:8

FAVOR

I am praying today asking the Lord for direction this year in 2012 and for FAVOR in all that you and I do!

Ephesians 2:10

For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand so that we would walk in them.

He has a plan for your life!

I truly believe that God plants our dreams in our hearts!

And dreams grow best in a heart to serve!

Psalm 139

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

So as we look toward this New Year, I pray that this is the year that we allow room for life and for ultimately, God to move in our life to produce His best plan for us!

I pray for healing in your heart, mind and body. Restoration and reconciliation with God and with any strained relationship you might have. And lastly I pray for God’s favor to be upon you and for Him to prosper you in 2012!

with favor and prosper

CLC

LIFE

At what point in life does life start passing us by so fast that we fail to notice or acknowledge it? At first its just the subtle changes around us in every day life, then it’s the people, then its everything around us and before we know it we are surrounded by a bunch of people we hardly even recognize and courses that have changed the outcome of life completely. Are we the only ones not changing?

At what point did we get sucked into the time lapse of inexistence? Is it the day we realized the change? Who’s to say we haven’t changed? Change is the hardest to see when it is of oneself! Is it the subtle changes over time that amount to an epiphany of changes? Why do we measure success in change? Change isn’t always good..right?

I think in human nature we long for change whether it’s positive or not. It’s just up to us to make the best of the situation. But to compare someone’s change over another isn’t equal. After all we aren’t all equal and we all don’t measure up the same. Some have more opportunities than others; some have more drive, and some are fine exactly where they are. So where does that put us? In a journey of changing courses overtime with little or no say to where our course may take us. Its by choices and fate where we end up and who we end up experiencing the change of life with. Sounds like a science experiment instead of something positive like just life.

Waiting Here For YOU....

I cant remember if I have posted this or not but I ran across it on the hard drive of my computer. As crazy as this sounds this is a note to yourself Casey! This is YOU! This is what YOU STAND FOR! This is what YOU WANT! This is what YOU WILL GET if you are patient! GOOD THINGS ARE COMING....

So much to say but the words can’t form. So many thoughts but no actions come. So many feelings and no release. You ask me my thoughts but you don’t listen, you never truly listen. You don’t want to hear my thoughts. Yeah, they might be about you but they aren’t good thoughts. You would probably actually be shocked at what I really do think of you. It amazes me too. Your like a bad train wreck derailing, you know you need to get away from it and you know you don’t need to watch it but you do anyway. Your drawn in, not by the good but your sucked in by the bad. So the million dollar question… Why stick around? Why stay? I have no clue. A friend of yours asked me how long we had been together. I reply over a year and a half on and off. He says on and off? Yeah! He says well he’s lucky to have you, you’re a beautiful girl! Beauty only gets you so far and luck doesn’t mean a thing if he never tells you he appreciates you. If anything Ive figured out you cant change what hurts you, change you so it doesn’t hurt you anymore.

What hurts me?

I want someone that is genuine.

I want someone that really does care for me.

I want someone that isn’t selfish.

I want someone that loves the Lord.

I want someone that wants to commit to me.

I want someone that I can trust.

I want someone that makes me want to be a better person.

I want someone that appreciates me.

I want someone that I don’t have to prove anything to.

I want someone that will communicate with me.

So instead of trying to change someone into something he isn’t and get my feelings hurt for him being the opposite of what I want, I need to BE and find someone like I want them.

-To find someone genuine I need to be genuine. Not only with people but with myself. If something isn’t right in my relationships I need to fix it instead of wait it out. Lord help me to be a genuine person not only in relationships but with everyone I come in contact with.

-To have someone that cares for me I need to show others that I care for them. You get back what you put out in the world. I feel like I have a lot to offer the world so I guess I need to just start giving and if all people want to do around me is take take take then that is fine. I rather be a giver than a taker. Lord give me your eyes to see people with and grant me a heart full of love and care, so much care that it spills out onto anyone I come in contact with so that I may be cared for and loved too.

-To want to be with someone that is selfless you need to be more selfless yourself. Think of others. Make time for friends; listen, care, and remember what they say. Serve others. Lord help me to be selfless and think of others. I in turn pray for friends that are selfless and Christian friends that genuinely care for me as well.

-To find someone that loves and serves the Lord you need to serve the Lord 100 percent. Lord I pray for my future husband lord, protect him and keep him safe, guide and direct him so that in your time our paths will meet.

-To find someone that wants to commit to me I need to be worthy of being committed to. Get things right in my life. Figure out what I truly want and what I want out of life. Lord I pray for the person you have for me. I pray Lord that I am a worthy women to be commited to. Show me what I need to change Lord so that I can be worthy of commiting to and find the one that wants to commit to me.

-To find someone that I can trust I need to be trustworthy. Can someone that dates me trust me? Its time to quite playing games. Trust until they give you a reason not to trust anymore. If your trusting them and having issues believing them believe them until you find out otherwise. If you find out otherwise then its not your fault they cheated when you shouldn’t have trusted them. It’s life, it happens. Forgive and forget and move on. Find someone better. Lord help me to be trustworthy and not only to be worthy of trust but to have peace in trusting others.

-To find someone that inspires me to be a better person I need to inspire others to want to strive better and reach higher. Be an encourager, be opptomistic, speak positivity into their lives. Lord I pray for inspiration, I pray for positivity so that I can speak it over others lives.

-To find someone that appreciates me I need to appreciate others more and tell them. You get what you give. Lord help me to be a better person by being able to show others that I care for them and appreciate them. I pray for insecurity walls to fall.

-To find someone that approves of me and I feel comfortable around I need to make sure others feel comfortable around me and show them I approve…unless its something I don’t agree or approve of lol

-To find someone that will communicate with me I need to open up and be willing to communicate and be open.